Michael Jackson, my friend and eBay

So, the internet is pretty much the funniest thing ever. I hate to start a post that is essentially centered around the death of another human being with the word “funniest” included in the first sentence, but it’s strangely fitting in this subject matter.

Let’s rewind a bit.

I’ll be honest in saying that my Michael Jackson memories are split right down the middle. Half of me remembers growing up, jamming to ‘Black and White,’ ‘Jam,’ ‘Man In the Mirror,’ ‘Thriller,’ and ‘Bad.’ However, this other part of me remembers nothing but his legal proceedings. I don’t particularly need, or care to, dive into that subject considering it’s (very) well-known, but as many positive memories I have of The King of Pop’s career, they are equally as tainted.

This leads me to the “funny.”

So, I log into Facebook this evening and see a post from a friend of mine from Tallahassee who I spent about 5 years or so playing hockey with. His posted item mentions CNN, Michael Jackson, a website domain name, and ten million dollars. Yes, as in $10,000,000. Frankly, I didn’t know what to think at first so I went ahead and clicked on the link and saw my buddy sitting there explaining his dilemma. Scott’s a good guy, and honestly, what person in this economy wouldn’t want to make a ‘little’ side money? I know I would, considering the state of my current occupational situation. So, not only was this URL registered thru GoDaddy.com (Check it! it made its way onto eBay for a nominal fee.

How funny is the internet, honestly? However, it doesn’t end there.

Apparently now, eBay has taken it upon themselves to take down the auction. When I first learned of the goings-on, not only did I search for Scott’s listing, I searched for others like it to compare. All of the prices were in the relatively same outlandish ballpark, but now, eBay has taken it amongst themselves to remove his listing; citing “Violation of Terms of Service. I’d be curious as to how many of the other of the Michael Jackson related auctions have been removed in the last two days.

This is not intended to minimalize Michael’s death, but is there anyone else out there who thinks this whole situation is unheard of?

Hello, Hello, Allow me to re-introduce myself

It’s been a long while since I’ve sniffed this thing…

Life is going great on most counts. I’m still as in love with Kara, if not more, but the day to day yearning is growing stronger. My trip to Canuckville went very good, aside from being cut a week short. We made millions of memories, had tons of fun and miss each other immensely now. Hopefully it won’t be too long before she moves down here, otherwise, I’m not sure when the next time we’ll get to see each other is.

The job search is essentially stalled, and in saying that I don’t mean I’m not looking, I just mean there aren’t many options around right now. The down time has given me plenty of time to meddle in Photoshop, however, and I’ve been experimenting with new methods and learning new things I’d never touched on before. It’s taken me a long time, but I’m starting to feel like I finally have a bit of direction in my life. And while Kara has been a huge contributor on guiding me that way, I just wish I had listened to my parents years and years ago when they kept telling me that’s what I needed to be doing.

Nussastic: The Site, not The Blog, will be launching relatively shortly. It really is nothing incredible on the coding side, as I’ve realized my potential isn’t in web work (too much programming for me) but I’m very happy and proud of the actual design, so hopefully I’ll get that up and running in the near future.

It was great to get to see my best friend Chris on Monday. He came down to visit SeaWorld with me for the day and it had been awhile since we’d hung out. Rob ended up meeting us there for a little while and I don’t know why, but it was a little awkward in that, Old-girlfriend-meets-new-girlfriend kinda way. Maybe it’s just the case when you’ve got two awesome friends who don’t know each other and have to co-exist. LOL, this whole paragraph sounds incredibly strange, and I can’t really describe what I’m trying to say. Speaking of SeaWorld, their new for 2009 Bolliger and Mabillard flying coaster, Manta, is incredible. I’ll go into details eventually on here.

I guess that’s about it for now. I will be getting back into the habit of posting on here, so keep reading.

Slight Detour

It’s amazing how fast a perceived situation can change.  Just two days ago I was completely down in the dumps, down on myself and feeling a wave of depression slowly creeping up.  Now, I’m rejuvenated.

I still miss everyone (well, mostly…) in Tallahassee, but faith in my situation has been restored. I have something to look forward to (a crazy road trip with Kara thru the Midwest), I’m actually getting money back from taxes when I was absolutely convinced I’d owe, I went out last night for the first time in two weeks and had an awesome time, and finally, I’m content with where I am.

I’m not content with my employment situation, but I’m back to being happy here again.  Hopefully this feeling will last, and maybe my positivity will bring my wallet brighter days to go along with everything else.

Snap(ped) Back to Reality

Orlando.

The City Beautiful.

Where I grew up.  Where I’ve wanted to be for ten years.

And now I’m back, as you might have read already.

But I’m starting to feel kinda empty here.  My first month of living my dream was amazing.  Park-hopping, club-hopping, meeting new people and constantly having fun.  There was never a dull moment, and I now fear that that first month sort of ruined my perception of life down here.  Now that the money is running (very) low, and I’m not doing as much as I was at first, times are relatively depressing.

I’m still visiting parks constantly, but there’s only so much of that one can do before it starts to become old hat.  Not working at the moment is starting to wear on me.  Cabin fever is starting to sink in.  I loved being able to go out every night and check out the nightlife at a bunch of different, new, exciting places; but now, with low funds and the inability to do so, that has obviously worn off a bit.

More-so than not being able to go have fun every night, is the simple fact that I’m just not doing anything.  Sure, I’ve been applying everywhere I can, honing my Photoshop skills, and having fun just hanging out with my roommate, but the stress of not having money is starting to wear on me.  Not being able to up and do something whenever I want to is beginning to sting.  As much as I love being here, it’s really painful to not be in the position to do what I want, when I want anymore.

I’m gonna ride out the storm.  There’s no way I’m giving up being here, it’s what I’ve wanted for so long.

I just wish something would happen, now.

Settled In

Well, it’s been a month since I’ve moved to Orlando, and I’m just now finally settled in.  30-some days without my bed was hell, I’ll tell ya, but now everything is alright in the world!

Even better, Kara will be arriving in 4 hours to spend the next 4.5 days together!  It’s amazing how much time we’ve been able to spend with each other these past 6 weeks.  Half of that time, she’s either been here or I’ve been up in the Tundra.  I can’t wait to see her again, and this weekend is gonna be jam-packed with goings-on.

I’ve really slacked on writing in this lately, and hopefully that’ll change.  There has just been so much going on with my life that I haven’t had the chance to take a breath, sit down, and write.  Even  now I don’t have time, just wanted to throw SOMETHING out there.  And remember, it’s a lot easier to keep up with me on Twitter! (http://www.twitter.com/Nusstastic)

More to come later.

Let’s Rewind A Bit

It’s been about a week since I’ve posted, and I wish I would have been more up on my Blogging, but it’s definitely time for a little Stevecap.

Thursday night I drove down to Orlando after my last day at the Department of Agriculture, and I spent the night at my grandparents’ house in Zellwood.  It was definitely nice to spend a couple of hours with them and catch up.  My grandma had surgery on her foot so she’s stuck in a wheelchair for awhile, but she was in her always positive self.  My grandpa has been taking great care of her, and that’s amazing to see in person.

Friday morning, I went into work to do a drug screen and my initiation into the profession.  My first impressions of the company were mixed.  I felt they had a great system set up, but I wasn’t really digging the whole 100% commission based income.  After talking to my dad about it, I calmed down a bit and realized if I just busted my ass, that everything would be fine.

I headed back to Tallahassee that afternoon and stopped at Chilis for about an hour for a Records reunion.  It was a lot of fun to see my old co-workers, catch up, make jokes and have a couple drinks.  Once I left, I went into overdrive to get ready for Kara’s arrival.  This is where things got a bit fishy.  Her plane was supposed to arrive in Tallahassee at 9:15pm, where I would pick her up from the airport, and we’d get ready to head out to Bullwinkles to meet up with a slew of friends for my going away party.

Well, weather didn’t want to cooperate, as storms in Atlanta delayed her flight just long enough to cause her to miss her connection.  In the end, she got placed onto the last flight of the night, via standby, and was set to arrive at 11:45PM.  The turnout for my going away was amazing, and I’m so thankful to have so many good friends, and  I’m so glad Kara finally made it in to meet everyone.

Saturday, her and I went out to my parents house for their first meeting and everything went awesome.  My parents loved Kara, and she said she felt the same about them.  Hopefully she’s not just blowing smoke up my ass.   That night I brought her to PoBoys for dinner and she got two meet a couple more of my good friends and we ended the night with Coldstone and cuddling.

So with the terrible weather in Atlanta, we altered our plans and headed to Orlando on Sunday and met up with Rob and Dan at Universal.  Spent a couple hours goofing off, staring at construction, riding Mummy and being pissed off at the Lost Continent and Dueling Dragons.

Monday was spent at SeaWorld, and it was a great, relaxing day.  We rode Kraken a few times, posed with a character.  I finally got my Shamu Express credit, and we had a nice, romantic Shamu strawberry bowl with the ducks.

So what happened next?  Extra Kara time!  Her plane got delayed AGAIN and that gave us an extra 12hr together.  To be honest, the whole thing at first was pretty tense.  Neither of us knew what to really do.  The following day was my first at work, and her new flight wasn’t until 5:15am.  After a bit of emotional discussion, we came to an agreement and ended up having a great night together, and one last couple of hours of cuddling.

Dropping her off at the airport was definitely emotional, and from the second she walked away I already felt a little lost.  It’s amazing how strong feelings can get for someone in such a short amount of time, and it’s so hard to only get a couple days with a person who means the world to you, only to go a month or more without seeing them again.

Tuesday at work was stressful.  From the get-go I just didn’t have the feeling for the job that it would be all that I was looking for.  The money was promised to be good, but aside from that, it wasn’t something that I could get excited about.  I was having serious doubts, but my friends managed to convince me it was just first day jitters.  They instilled hope in me and convinced me to stick with it, and I was determined to.

These past two days have been terrible.  I woke up Wednesday morning with a terribly sore throat, hot, runny nose, headache and very weak all over.  It only got worse as the day went on, and only now am I starting to feel a bit better.  I did get around to getting my address changed today, and I’m “moving into” Rob’s apartment tomorrow.  I quotisize that because all of my stuff is in Tallahassee still and I’m going to be sleeping on an air mattress for the first week, but it’s still gonna be fun.

So that’s my past week in a nutshell.  I’ve got a lot of deeper thoughts I need to get out and written down, but right now I just don’t feel like doing that.

Goodbye Desk

So I should be packing but I just wanted to procrastinate more than I already am.  Everything is so nuts right now, and it’s about to go into overdrive.

Tomorrow is my last day at work, and to me that effectively puts this whole moving thing into full steam ahead.  Everything is so bittersweet.

I don’t like the job, but I enjoy being there, if that makes any sense at all.  Since I started working there, I’ve been more in a kinda “keep to myself” mode, where as past jobs I was all about being the center of attention.  However, in the last couple months I’ve been getting to know a couple people better and establishing a couple of relationships and there are a couple of people I’m definitely gonna miss.

I’m also gonna miss my afternoon chats with my boss, who has always been open and helpful.  I’ll probably call her here and there to say hi and stay updated, she’s been instrumental on a couple of issues I’ve had and if nothing else I feel I owe her updates and such.

Every thing’s exciting and a bit nerve racking right now.  It always is starting a new job, especially doing something I’ve never done before.  I have faith that I’ll be able to attack it head on and succeed, but that doesn’t make things less anxious…

A Mess of Thoughts

I think I’ve hit a wall.  I don’t know if it’s because of the stress I’m under right now to move, or if it’s something else, but I’ve smacked face-first into a brick wall.

I’m in love, I’m not denying that one bit.  I feel more complete than I ever have, but this thing that I thought would be difficult but relatively easy to manage has turned into the complete opposite.  Moving to Orlando is extremely exciting for me, but it’s also now froze up opportunities I had this year to see  Kara.  All of these plans that we made to keep us close in between now and whenever it is we’re living together have essentially been placed on the back-burner.

My work schedule is requiring me Monday-Friday and every other Saturday with no flexibility.  That right there eliminates 50% of my plans, and possibly even up to as much as 80%.  What that means is that an already difficult situation to manage just got exponentially harder.  The good thing is for once in my life, the relationship is actually built on trust.

Maybe I’m subconsciously rehashing old insecurities.  Maybe it’s the Only Child Syndrome coming out in me again where I don’t feel like I’m being put ahead of everything else.  It’s selfish and it’s unfair, but it’s how my mind works.  We’ve got this opportunity to see each other that I don’t think is going to work out how we originally planned it to and there are other options.  But really, are there?

I’m kind of accusing her of being contradictory, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I’m going against all the support I’ve been showing.  In retrospect, I think I just gave the stance I had before a black eye.  And why? Because I’m being selfish.

I think a part of me is afraid that I’m going to lose feelings not seeing her for so long.  I mean, it’s been less than a month, after this coming weekend, it’s going to be at least 5 weeks before we see each other again.  And after that?  Who the hell knows.  I don’t, she doesn’t.  And I think that’s what scares me the most, is the fear that not being there, not having the physicality is going to drain me of my feelings.

I’m not scared because I’m expecting that to be the case, I’m scared because it’s a possibility.  The whole situation breeds many possibilities, but in my past experiences, I’ve come to expect the worst.  That doesn’t just change overnight.  Maybe being apart is the best thing for us, or at least for me.  Maybe it will finally teach me to not just settle but to move forward and make myself better.  To change my thought processes and how my mind has been engineered to think.

Right now I’m just frustrated and alone.  Over the past few years I’ve gotten so accustomed to always having someone with me all the time that now that I don’t, and now that I’ve gone “so long” without that physical presence constantly there, it’s wearing on me.  But that’s a part of being independent, is getting along with just yourself.  That’s something I need to learn, but it’s not something I want to accept.

I’m glad I have someone who has faith in me, but at the same time I’m afraid I won’t be able to change enough where it doesn’t absolutely drain the emotion out of both of us.  That’s what scares me the most.

Finally Coming Around

Emotions are a funny thing.  It’s amazing to me that just hours ago I was absolutely questioning whether or not the timing on this move was right.  I started having doubts about my new job, leaving all of my friends, my parents and all I’ve known for the past 10 years.

I’ve wanted to move back to Orlando since I moved in 1998, and then all of a sudden I’ve got this great opportunity to move back to my roots and I start doubting it’s what I really need and want.  However, I’ve now turned to the positive again and the whole situation is incredibly exciting again.

Literally two weeks from right now, I’ll be finishing up my third day of work and preparing to actually move all of my stuff down to O-Town.  For the first week, I’ll be living in an Extended Stay Suite before moving into the apartment.

I think what scared me the most was that everything happened so soon, but now I’ve realized that’s how life works.  Nothing for me has ever moved fast, it’s just kinda happened when it happened and the thought of packing up my life on less than two weeks notice terrified me.  I started getting cold feet, but now I’ve realized that this dream I have is finally coming together and now is a perfect time to brave the wild.  It really is starting to feel like The Perfect Storm, and I really hope it all totally works out.  I know there are going to be bumps in the road, it’s not going to be absolutely perfect, but at least I know the timing and opportunity is.

Besides, I know I would regret it forever if I decided not to act now and then it didn’t work out later.  This is definitely an exciting time, and I’m glad that I’ve finally gotten myself back on board with, well…Myself.  It’s time to start that new chapter I’ve been trying to start for years on end.

Shot Across the Bow

You really want to know what gets under my skin more than anything?  People who use their influence over others to inject their will into their peers.  People who use their friendships as a mask to get what they really want from others.

Relationships are rewarding, they’re fun, and they often make you feel complete.  They’re also hard, demanding and a lot of work.  Compound that with having people in your ear constantly who you believe have your best interests in mind, and really only want what might benefit themselves, and it could be a recipe for disaster.  People with ulterior motives find weaknesses to exploit their friends, or “interests.”  Naive people sometimes don’t pick up on this.

This is especially true when guys have an interest in a long time female friend.  Dudes will find any slim weakness in a girl’s armor and use that to try and get their way, and most of the time, girls don’t see this.  I’m only writing in this regard, but I know it works both ways.

What pisses me off more than anything is when outside influences get on the inside.  I don’t mind people who genuinely care and try to help, but keep your damn nose out of other people’s business when you are involved in things that don’t affect you.  It’s not hard to read right thru some people, and intentions become blatantly obvious if you know what to look for.

Respect others, keep to yourself, enjoy your own companion, fix your own self and stop trying to inject your own agendas into the lives of others.

Reviewing Demons

It’s been about a week since I’ve actually sat down and wrote a real, meaningful post on here.  The last week definitely has been a different time for me, and I guess now I’ll try to recall what transpired and how I feel about everything.

Trust is a huge issue for me.  It never was before, but the two longest relationships I’ve been in over the past 5 years have been very trying for me.  I’ve been constantly lied to, cheated on, misguided and generally walked-on.  Not to sat that I’ve been the most upstanding either, but I guess I tend to justify my actions by pointing blame towards being hurt and “getting back.”  That’s childish, but whatever.  You live, you learn, you move on, you grow and you don’t make the same mistakes.

I never thought I’d get to the point with someone, so soon none-the-less, where I completely trust them in every word spoken to me, and every action they make.  The fact that I’m able to trust someone whose spent the last week out of the country in an exotic locale, with people who I don’t know and whose influence (positive or negative) is unknown to me, speaks volumes of this person, and the influence they’re having over me.  I’ve been scorned before by the same situations, to an extent, but something (or everything?) about this person just puts me at ease and gives me no real basis or reason to spend more than a couple second worrying and wondering.  It’s truly breath-taking to feel like that.

That’s not to say that I didn’t let a couple things I regret slip.  I also have a tendency of not thinking before I speak and whatever the first thing is to come to my mind, is usually the first thing to come out of my mouth…Or thumbs.  My transformation into a truly pure-thinking person is gonna be rocky, because of my past, but I honestly believe I have the best girl on my side to help with that.

It’s amazing that I stuck with someone so long because I didn’t think I’d ever find someone who was actually good for me.  I enjoyed the misery, because I was afraid to embrace the thought that there might actually be someone good out there.  A downfall in my mind that I’m afraid of, however, and that will change over time, is that I’m now afraid of not being good enough.  I’ve been re-assured time and time again that there’s nothing to worry about, but human, and more importantly my own nature, still has a tendency to creep in and scare me.

Opening Up

“Cause sometimes you just feel tired,
You feel weak,
And when you feel weak you feel like you wanna just give up,
But you gotta search within you,
You gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you,
And get that motivation to not give up,
And not be a quitter,
No matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face,
And collapse.“
- Eminem :: ‘Til I Collapse’

I’m an interesting creature when it comes to stress and how I handle it.  I’d be willing to bet that a very high majority of people like to talk through things as they’re happening, to get solace from others that they trust and respect.  I’m the same way, to a certain extent.  As many of my closest friends know, I almost always entrust their opinions in times of uncertainty.  For a good majority of the time, I’ll listen intently to their words, but in the end, I tend to keep marching onto my own beat.

On the other hand, there are times when I just don’t want to be bothered.  When I’ve got a heavy thunderstorm bearing down on my emotions, I want to be left alone.  I want to be miserable.  I want to hate myself for a little while.  I don’t want any opinions, I just want to not be bothered whatsoever.  When my personal umbrella gets so heavy from the rain and collapses, that’s what I want to do.  I want to wallow in my own self-pity, and I tend to take out my dispair on others who genuinely care. 

It’s selfish, it can hurt other people, and can make me seem like a self-less, self-endulged, uncaring prick.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate those who care, it’s that I just, at times, don’t want to care what anyone else says.  Once I get past that stage of stupidness and self-loathing, I’m ready to talk and really appreciate who is trying to show me they care.  At that moment, who knows when it will come, it always happens on my own terms.  Terms that even I don’t understand.  I still do not understand why at one moment I’m wallowing, and the next I’m thriving.

It hurts me when I turn on people who care about me the most because of how I handle my emotions, and it’s a huge thing in my life that I’m trying to change.  Change takes time, effort and the proper belief in one’s self, but it can also be achieved thru the guidance and help of those who care.

I’ve just got to learn to open up to that guidance.

Changing Directions

Really, where do I start?

What do you do when you’re so used to bad relationships, that when you find someone who is absolutely perfect for you, who is everything you’ve ever wanted, you get scared?  You get scared because you’re used to the negativity.  The controlling attitude.  The actual dis-like of another person who you shared your life with. 

You find someone who is positive, supportive, and goal-oriented and that terrifies you because you’re not used to that.  You’re used to the fighting, the arguing, the mis-understandings, and the misery.  You’re so used to not trusting, not believing, and doubting every word that comes out of someone’s mouth, that it translates over to a new relationship.  Someone who isn’t like that at all.

That’s what I’m afraid of.  I’m afraid of eventually losing what might be the best thing to ever happen to me, because of past experiences.  Because of how my mind has been hard-wired from the only two long, meaningful relationships that I’ve been in that have completely warped my trust and belief in people.  People don’t just change over night, no matter how much you might want to.  It takes someone with patience and the will to put up with someone who has been ruined.

I’m not going to be easy to fix, and as much as I know my intentions are good, and my morals and beliefs are strong and positive, and that I’m willing to do anything for someone who really deserves it, none of that changes the fact that it’s going to be an uphill battle to change my mindset.  I don’t envy the person who is going to undertake that effort, but I can say that they will earn my undying respect and admiration for putting the effort in.  And with that I can guarantee absolute devotion.

Testing Out Mobile Posting

I just came to the realization that WordPress supports mobile posting. Hmmmm, very nice. I tend to type faster on my Blackberry than on a regular keyboard these days, but I doubt I’ll start pounding out novels.

My poor little thumbs…